Higher Love
by Harper.K.B
Summary: Alternate ending to the House/Cuddy saga, what if when Cuddy closed the door on House, leaving him alone, he learned more about himself that he had ever done. If you love someone you have to let them go, if they love you they will always find you again. Higher Love. Rated M for realistic human language and emotions.
1. Chapter 1

**Higher Love**

****_**authors note: New story hope you like it, I dont own House M.D or its copyright so dont sue me! Just putting my ending to House into the void of the internet. This is what i would have done.**_

_**Harper K. B.**_

* * *

Chapter One: I Miss You

**_So far away from where you are_**

**_These miles have torn us worlds apart_**

**_And I miss you, yeah, I miss you_**

_(Lifehouse, From where you are)_

There was no justification for it, or so House thought, for a person to walk in and make a mess of his heart then leave. It was akin to breaking a glass before walking away leaving others to cut themselves on the sharp pieces left. House felt like a used piece sitting on the edge of his sofa. From the other side of pain it was different, numbing and almost chilling how one person could have that power over him. One person could decide if he was content one day and heart-broken the next…

_Heart-broken, really? Greg pull you're self together you pathetic bastard, _House thought to himself but his heart wasn't listening that cynical part of his mind. All he could think about was Cuddy. The look on her face wasn't an expression of anger but of great sadness, she had not wanted to leave him but felt on some level betrayed by his relapse. House sullenly sunk on to the sofa, he had taken one pill and Cuddy had assumed it was a full-blown relapse.

_Was it not?_ His subconscious asked and he pondered the answer. Externally House was thinking of his own pain hiding it so he could be the doting lover but internally on some base level the addict got the better of him and he was struggling to admit it to himself. House had known from the moment Cuddy had told him she did not want him to change that she would ask him to do just that. It was a female phenomenon, a paradox to change but simultaneously stay the same. He understood now what Cuddy, as a boss, lover and a mother, had asked of him. She had wanted him to grow and to want too. He had failed.

Thoughts flooded back to him, of his own father and the terrible memories that lay hidden beneath the locked doors in his mind. Cuddy did not want her own daughter to grow up with a monster like House had done and unwittingly he had become a different version of his own monstrous father. A miserable, uncaring, cruel addict who could not even go to the bedside of the only woman he has ever truly loved. For that House could not pass the blame on to her. It was he, his burden to bear.

The apartment seemed colder now that it was his permanent abode; Cuddy's house would now be off limits so would its warmth and comforting embrace. Part of House wondered what returning to work would be like now they had opened Pandora's box and returned it in favour of the previous option. Luckily, Cuddy would not be back for two weeks at least at full capacity. She had just had surgery and would be forced by the board to take time off even if just with Rachel.

_So_, House heard his mind say,_ you have two choices. You can leave here take the vicodin, get trashed and fuck some random woman in revenge in hope it will bring her back to you._ Even in his emotional state revenge did not seem like a good choice, Cuddy was not an illogical woman in any case aside from when children are involved. It would most likely make her resent him and even House did not want her to do that. _Or you could leave here without the vicodin. Get a new place. You've tried it here, it didn't work thus it would be the illogical choice to stay. She was your reason for staying but you hurt her. You'll hurt her more by lashing out and it won't get you any more of that ass, so why bother?_

House had to admit his mind had a rational point. Cuddy had always been the reason to stay; he received job offers every week, Wilson would always nag him where ever he resided and what else was keeping him there other than his unresolved feelings for Cuddy. It was rash, a speedy decision but it was not a stupid one. He would have time to figure it out whilst she was gone, Cuddy would not tell anyone yet she would give it time to sink in and by that time when she returned to work he would be gone.

No mess. No soppy goodbyes.

It had incredible appeal, House admitted, but he knew he still loved her. That was the only reason the diagnostician hadn't done his old routine of how much can I hurt her because she hurt me.

Lisa Cuddy had never lived like House, he wished he had spent more time telling her about himself rather than letting her pretend she knew. She knew so little, House looked around the room in uncharacteristic sadness he had never been loved by his parents. House was never taught to love and be loved in return, he knew abuse, ignorance and early on in his adulthood, sex. It was not until he met one Lisa Cuddy that love had entered his life at all. She had taught him so much but in the end House knew and had always known he would never be the father she had wanted so badly for him to be. He would never be the caring and doting lover. In a way, it was cruel to stay to continue like they had nothing more between them than any other employee. House made his choice, on the sofa of his living room on that Tuesday night, to let go.

* * *

**_Two Weeks Later_**

It was the longest walk of her life, Lisa Cuddy thought, from her car to her office as she returned to work after the longest two weeks of her life. She assumed they would all know. House would have made a mockery of himself by letting everyone know that she had ended things between them and there by destroying anything and everything that could have ever been. Cuddy wanted to be friends but she also knew that, aside from Houses stubbornness, that it would never be that way again. She still loved him and always would, every night of the fourteen days she had to force herself not to drive to his apartment and beg him to take her back. Gregory House had been the best lover she had ever had, not the most honest or caring but he was true. They spent nights talking and watching stupid movies or playing video games just because they could. She was his better half and he was her worse one but they were at peace with that. She had never felt so beautiful than when she was with him. House was surprising and familiar all in one. He was a master of everything he did aside from being human, his biggest flaw. But the passion that bubbled between them was impossible and rare she had wanted it to burn on. Cuddy had never known life like that and in a way a small part of her had doomed them to fail from the start. It was too perfect and therefore it would never last.

"Good Morning, Doctor Cuddy. I hope you had a good two weeks rest!" The walk had happened more quickly than she had anticipated as Cuddy stood in the hospital lobby signing in.

"It was good thank you, do I have any messages? Any disasters happen while I was gone?"

Her tone was jovial but her underlying scrutiny of everything she was about to say was crucial. This was Nurse Brenda, she knew everything that went down in the hospital and though nobody knew how, it was how it was.

"Yes you have five messages, Dr. Brookes wants to meet with you sometimes today about the new MRI machine and no scandals but Dr. House is being incredibly quite and well behaved. You must have him well trained at home now!"

They didn't know. Cuddy knew by the way no one was staring or talking about her that they didn't know but mostly by the way Nurse Brenda had not said she was sorry to hear about it or some other pithy remark. No, Cuddy was sure of it, House had managed to remain silent. That only meant one thing; he was off punishing himself, swallowing the vicodin like oxygen or worse.

"Thanks, Brenda. Has he come in yet today?"

The nurse eyed her with a strange look before dismissing it, "You have a late night?" Pausing for a small laugh and continued, "No, he must be starting annual leave. He wasn't in yesterday either maybe he has plans for you?"

She winked encouragingly and confirmed Cuddy's last remaining doubts. The Dean walked on past her; House was not on annual leave, as he never took it. So something must be up. The puzzle was not quit fitting together, Wilson had not called her, Houses team had remained silent and most of all House himself was silent.

Cuddy paused by his office. His team were working away but there was no sign of the main man himself. She forced herself to enter,

"Is House around?"

They all looked up quizzically before Thirteen took the courage to speak, "We haven't heard from him in two days…we assumed he was on holiday or something?"

Chase singled her out, looking at her with an expression that seemed to ask her whether everything was alright between them, "We called him on his cell but it says its no longer in service so he must have switched again, right?"

Eight pairs of eyes looked to her in reassurance but there was none in her eyes to give. No one had seen him in two days, his cell was off and no one knew where he was. Alarm bells were ringing loudly in her head,

"Yeah, yeah he must have…"

Cuddy muttered something about it not working before running out of his office and down the hall to Wilson knocking rapidly on his door. It was a knock he had never heard from Cuddy and probably would not again. As he opened the door she had the most horrible feeling in her stomach. House had done something incredibly stupid, she could feel it, and she walked into Wilson's office.

"Have you spoken to House lately?"

"Yeah a few days ago why, he said he was spending some time with you," Wilson sat back at his desk looking through his file nonchalantly, "Why what's he done now?"

Cuddy stood statuesque in his office with a look of disbelief on her face and said stoically, "I wouldn't know, we split up two weeks ago."

His face dropped noticeably in shock of her words, "That cant be…he would have said something…I mean he seemed fine. I know about the pill that night before he came to you but…"

She moved stiffly to sit in the chair opposite his, "That was the night I ended it…"

They sat in stunned silence for a long time. Cuddy was sure that Wilson was shocked but she could not see why. He had to have seen it coming, they were a nightmare waiting to happen or at least that is what she told herself. However, Cuddy was not too concerned with how Wilson thought about the end of their relationship but with what was happening with the man she still loved so badly.

"He wouldn't have done something stupid would he?"

Wilson braced his desk, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "I don't know! He is obviously upset but then," He got up moved round his desk to sit on the front of it closer to her, "What do I know? He has been fooling me for two weeks, telling me you've come over that's why we can't go out or he is over at yours." Wilson cursed himself, "Damn it I should have seen it! I just assumed you guys were good, I mean you guys are always good."

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialled his number placing it on loud speaker so Cuddy could hear only to listen to Houses mobile company's voice, "_This number is no longer in service. Please try another number."_

Cuddy ran her hands through her long raven hair sighing heavily, "If he's done something stupid I wont ever forgive myself…"

Wilson laughed sadly, "What do you mean if? This is House if it's not stupid he wont do it!"

She cradled her head in her hands creasing her beautifully pressed shirt, "I still love him, Wilson. I don't want anything to happen to him."

He sunk to his knees and placed a hand on her knee, "Then why did you leave him?"

Cuddy looked up, tears threatened to fall from her ice blue eyes but she was too proud to cry in front of Wilson, "I thought…he was back on the vicodin for good and I couldn't let him do that around Rachel. I have to put her before me, James. He is an addict."

Wilson nodded pursing his lips in thought before standing, "Ok, I will sort this out Cuddy. Its probably best you stay out of it, God knows what he has done." He saw the look of terror on her face, "I will find him, Cuddy. I will sort this out, we can attempt to get this back to normal its probably best for everyone."

He jumped about the room gathering his things together, his cell, briefcase and suit jacket, before they exited the office together. Wilson placed a hand on her shoulder, "For what its worth, I think you made a mistake. I've been married four times and I've never had what you two had."

Then he was gone. Gone to mop up the mess that her and House had made together, she thought about what he said and he was right. Cuddy knew that she would never find anyone who would match up to House, she would live her life knowing that he was the one and there wouldn't be anything she could do. Rachel wouldn't have to know what loving him was like, she was too young to remember him if he was gone for a while, but Cuddy was doomed by a higher love that she would never forget. It was hell but she was a mother. A sacrifice had to be made so that Rachel didn't have to see what he reduced himself to when he was high on vicodin.

In a daze, Cuddy managed to reach her office. Her assistant had been immediately attentive to tell her House had been in her office without permission two days ago like a puppy wanting a commendation for the information but receiving only a tired glance in return.

When she swung open the door Cuddy saw it, sitting unmistakably on her desk and in that moment she knew exactly what he had done. Gregory House was gone. A wave of emotion washed over her like a tidal wave. Her feet didn't dare move towards it or away but Cuddy reached for her phone and typed a message out to James Wilson: HES GONE. Just two words but Wilson would know what she meant.

The white envelope sat on her desk, the desk that House had gifted to her another reminder of the kindness and thought he was capable of, it was blank she could see from the distance she wouldn't dare travel. It was the second worse scenario the Dean had planned in her head the first being that he had done something to himself. He's gone, Cuddy tried to conceive the idea of it but it wasn't happening, she had prepared herself for the shouting and the crash of his hurting heart. Yet in return she had received a white flag, or letter in this case, a silent retreat.

Cuddy walked unsteadily over to the desk and retrieved the letter peeling it open rapidly not treasuring the moment as the need to know why he had done this was too great. The envelope was tossed away to reveal a photograph and a small letter penned by his cursive hand. The photo was placed on the desk for the moment while the letter was unfolded,

**_It was good while it lasted. Everything has to end, but I couldn't pretend it didn't happen at all. I am not what you needed; I am not the good guy, Cuddy. I can't stay; we both know it wouldn't end well. I can't watch you move on because I love you and whether I like it or not I always will. Don't look for me, you will find you don't really know me at all. Just be happy._**

The letter fell out of her hands as she reached for the photo; Cuddy picked them both up and sat down at her desk. The picture was one she had never seen before; it was of House and Cuddy at the wedding of the chancellor of the board. They were dancing together, smiling even though they were mad at each other. Cuddy fingered the edges, trying to understand why he would choose this path. The path that meant leaving everything he knew just to spare seeing her again, to save her hurting because that was the House she fell in love with.

A single tear hit the paper of the letter blurring the words slightly over where he had written I _l__ove you_, but it revealed that the photo had another message on the back, **_I couldn't keep it but I couldn't throw it in the trash. It's yours now. _**

She pressed it close to her chest, near her heart. Closing her eyes when her cell phone rang she cried softly, Cuddy knew it was Wilson trying to figure out a way to tell her that he was gone. Cuddy suspected this was what he had been planning in her two weeks off sick, he had been figuring out the best way to leave Princeton, where to go and what to do. Behind Lisa Cuddy's closed eyes she prayed to a God she didn't truly believe in for him, Gregory House, the only man she had ever loved to be safe and for one day for him to forgive her for the terrible mistake she had made in letting him go.

* * *

They say if you love someone you let them go. House wasn't a man who fell for clichés but this time it was true. If perhaps he were more selfish he could have watched her struggle and pretend to cope, knowing they still loved each other. But in the moment that Cuddy closed his apartment door, House found out more about himself than he had done in the past forty years. He wasn't a selfish man for her, he couldn't be a good man but he would be better than his own father. He could leave; admit that he was hurting her more than helping her by staying which was something his father never could.

So, House sat there, on his motorcycle with a heavy backpack upon his body, in turmoil over his lost lover but also paradoxically in peace at being at least being a good enough man to put her first. He missed her but every mile he rode it got harder to turn around, and when the New Jersey state line had been crossed it was too late to turn back.

* * *

**_Authors note: I hope you like it, trying to finish this one in a realistic way so bear with me, I checked this myself so all the mistakes are probably all still in there._**

**_Harper K. B._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Higher Love**

* * *

**_Authors note: Thanks for the response to my story this is the tell tale chapter to see if you like where its going. Im moving onto a kind of serendipitous moment, they arent going to be looking for each other but a little thing called fate is going to attempt to bring them together. Anyway I hope you like the journey Im going to take them on!_  
**

**_Harper_**

* * *

**Chapter Two: How?**

_Time can come and take away the pain_

_But I just want my memories to remain_

_To hear your voice_

_To see your face_

_There's not one moment I'd erase_

_You are a guest here now_

_(How, Regina Spektor)_

_Twelve months later_

_Virginia Beach, VA_

There was a smile. It was a small smirk to anyone else but to him it felt like a smile. A rush of freedom and an unbelievable sense of relief; perhaps it was the sea air that cooled his fears and feelings that had tormented him just for that moment. As Gregory House saw the calming waters, the soft sand beneath his fingers the gaping missing piece seemed to be less important. The cardigan, woolen to keep him warm in the winter sunshine, was wrapped around his healing body and mind.

He could have been anywhere, done anything but he chose to fix what he had broken so many years ago. The choice was not an easy one to make but it was inevitable, drugs or life. Happiness or another high, though the first wasn't really an option any longer House chose to let it go. To let it go, House thought to himself, his fingers reached to his left thigh. He gripped the strange material that now made up his prosthesis. All the years he had fought to keep the mangled useless flesh had been pointless as it was now gone. Replaced, not quite, with technology carbon fibers and flesh like material.

Everything had been clearer without the pain from his leg, not at first but once the separation had become fixed in his own mind, the feeling was freedom. Free from the ties of pain and anger because it was gone now, it didn't matter. If he wanted to run, he would. If he wanted to have sex with a woman up against a wall or in a shower, he could. He didn't but he knew there was nothing stopping him from loving again, aside from himself. Yet something was still crippling him, something more powerful than any physical ailment could injure. The freedom had come at a cost, to be freed House had hit the lowest point he had ever known. Traveling from town to city to state for two months inebriated on his pain of leaving her and the alcohol.

He had found himself one day on the after two months of the perpetual torment in hospital in Virginia, with no recollection of how he had got there but scars to prove that it had been a close call. House had got on his bike after drinking all night and someone had hit him. It was a lucky escape but only thanks to the surgeon who had saved him. The same surgeon who had returned to House afterward knowing who he was to help him, to save him again.

"You shouldn't be sitting out here, it is freezing."

A voice greeted him from behind, Dr. Lana Curtis; House turned his head to acknowledge the doctor who had been the very surgeon in Virginia. Lana was a beautiful woman, shoulder length dark black hair with perfect white teeth and porcelain skin. Over time she had become the closest thing to a friend he had. She had given a damn when no one else had, taking him to the rehab centre convincing him to let go of the leg and being able to make him see that pain wasn't his life. Lana was idealistic, bright-eyed and warm.

"What are you doing here? I haven't got an appointment today."

She sat next to him and laughed a little bitterly, "Nice to see you too, Greg. I wouldn't have come but you didn't turn up to your physiotherapy appointment yesterday."

House smirked slightly, "Oh yeah, sorry about that. Didn't know doctors made house calls now, no pun intended."

He leant back on the sand looking up at the wintry midday sky, "Plus I don't need to go anymore. I am making great progress on my own."

Lana raised her brows in doubt, "I know you are the great Gregory House but it doesn't mean you know everything. Plus, I didn't just come to check on you."

House sat up immediately standing and offering her a hand to get up off the sand ushering her towards the house that sat just upon the beach yards away, "Ulterior motives, that's not like you at all!"

Lana laughed as they walked up the whitewashed platform to his home, "You're letting me inside wow, you really ok? You must be sick."

House opened his oak door upon the porch, "Guess I could be feeling particularly welcoming today. Though illness is just as likely."

She followed him up the steps of the beach-house he was currently renting. It was a beautiful place, full of shore side character but leaving enough space for House to have imprinted his own style on it. He led her into the kitchen opening the fridge and cracking open a beer.

"So, what is this ulterior motive and what has it got to do with me?"

His tone was serious, Lana noted, as she sat down at the modern breakfast bar. They had a strange doctor-patient-friend sort of relationship that still confused both parties. House was distant from her and that was no surprise but Lana Curtis was a gifted surgeon who was blessed with a caring heart. It had made her lean towards a side career in rehabilitation because she was an overly ambitious woman. Her father ran one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country leaving her a family trait of pure and driven ambition.

"What are you doing here, Greg?" Lana paused staring at the intriguing man before her, "You have an amazing talent that no one else could even dream of and you are wasting yourself here doing nothing but drinking beer. The very reason that brought you to me that night ten months ago. Your leg is gone." Dr. Curtis moved off her seat and towards where he stood, "You cant hide forever. Whatever happened in Princeton is done. You still have a life to lead."

Once she had stopped speaking silence infiltrated the space in between them. House silent because he recognized the care and feeling in her eyes; he saw the same process happen in many women that had loved him unrequitedly. They wanted to save him, to fix him and in this case Lana had done more than any woman had before. She had convinced him that there was nothing more to be done with his leg. Dr. Lana Curtis had done the impossible in separating House and the useless pained limb. House saw more than pity in her eyes, he saw the stirrings of love and what came hand in hand with it. She called him out of the blue, came round and made more of an effort than he ever did for nothing in return.

"Why do you care, Lana? You did your job, if I want to do nothing more than sit on my ass and drink beer I think I have earned that right." He sighed tiredly, "I've been a doctor for more than twenty years. I'm bored."

House walked away toward his study but the beautiful Dr. Curtis avidly followed him, "You were bored of a small scale limited Princeton diagnostic department. Having no excitement or thrill anymore. I have a proposal that will give you a challenge!"

He sat by his large oak desk pondering what the middle-aged woman in his doorway could be offering him, "I wont say you haven't played to my curiosity but I'm not looking for a job."

"My father wants to open the first diagnostic centre. A private practice if you will, no Dean or board, obviously it will be regulated like any other practice but you would be the boss. No paperwork or figures just medicine, just the puzzle." She spoke vivaciously, Lana's eyes were wide in excitement and passion, "You would be able to take on any case you wanted, wherever they were, it would be your legacy. You could make yourself great again, be the doctor you once were."

Curtis stopped and paused waiting as House evaluated what she was offering. It was a fantastic offer, to have his own privately funded practice and be his own boss. There would be no limit to the challenge that would offer. House looked Lana directly in the eyes; he saw a hope that had been long lost ignited in her. They had known each other ten months, after he voluntarily checked himself in to the rehab centre nearly comatose on alcohol. Dr. Curtis had helped him asking for nothing in return, getting him the beach house and sorting out his life. Now she came to him with an offer that would tie him to her father, solidify his ties there in Virginia and create him a new base, a new life there.

"I don't know."

His voice was uneven, unsure and unsteady. It wasn't Houses usual strong self but something different and afraid. Was he ready truly to start again? It was a year to the day that he had left Princeton and so much had changed already. So much had been lost. Lana moved forward with an elegant grace she was blessed with,

"The hospital is having a fundraiser tomorrow night, black tie affair with lots of influential people and free booze though I wish you wouldn't drink so much. Come talk with my dad, just see what he can offer you before you decide its too much of a challenge for you old man."

She placed a soft hand on his cheek, "Whether you like it or not I care about you. I don't want to see you throw away everything that makes you who you are. That crass, melancholic, funny, charming, debonair diagnostician is still in there. Just let him out, what's the worst that could happen?"

House laughed bitterly to himself, "You are talking about the same person right? Me, the biggest screw up medical history."

They separated once again, though House felt something he thought was long since dead, he wanted her to touch him again. Lana's hand was reassuring, warm and untainted by him. She was looking at him again it was as if she was reading his mind and he didn't care. There was no going back, House knew very well he couldn't go forever moving around and not setting to much of himself in any town. There was no more Cuddy, despite his love still lingering on after twelve months; maybe he could have something new. After the silence became too much House dared and spoke.

"I will talk to your father tomorrow night," Lana smiled victoriously but House stood, "But that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. It just means I want to eat and drink free stuff at the fundraiser, that all."

Dr. Curtis shone a smile from ear to ear revealing once again her beautiful pearly white teeth. She touched him on the arm leaning close to him and whispered, "Thank You."

* * *

_Princeton, NJ_

He was speaking. It seemed endless drone. Every conversation with him did, it was the usual monotonous play that had become so tiring. How are you? What was work like? Then afterward Robert Grayson-Wilkes would continue talking about his own day whether he had been asked or not.

Cuddy had speculated whether or not she deserved this forsaken punishment but she never truly loved the answer. Her heart told her she did, whole-heartedly did deserve to be in a relationship with a man that completely bored her. There was no doubt in her heart about that. Cuddy was completely still in love with Gregory House even despite twelve months passing though she wasn't surprised. They had only been dating for six weeks though at that moment to Cuddy it felt like a millennium had passed in between.

"Lisa, are you even listening to me?"

She snapped out of her miniature coma and pretended to concentrate on him momentarily, "Sorry Robert, I was just tired."

Robert smiled sweetly, "Long day, huh?"

It was times like that when Cuddy remembered why she liked him. He was sweet but not clingy and caring in the most diligent way. Robert would occasionally stop his own ranting about the law company he worked for to ask her what her day was like. Lisa guessed in the aftermath of her relationship with House she forgot what it was really like to connect with someone, wondering if she ever truly would again.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the conference with me next month, the one in Virginia?" He rubbed his light brown hair, "It's a retreat sort of thing really and a few conference meetings etc. but it should be fun. I would really like it if you would come with me and bring Rachel too just the three of us. "

"I don't know, Robert." Cuddy squirmed drinking her glass of red wine at the table of his dining room, "You don't think this is a little sudden?"

He loosened the tie on his suit shirt in a vague annoyance, "Its not until a month from now, it gives you plenty of time to think it over. Plus I just wanted to give you the opportunity to get away from the hospital for a few days and have a break. I would like to start being a little more involved in your life." Robert took a large gulp of his beer before commenting, "Instead of the guy you just sleep with."

Lisa sighed out of exhaustion, "You know why we have it that way for now Rachel is only four. I don't want her to see men going in and out of my house until we get to know each other and start thinking about a serious relationship." She paused, "We are going away to New York next week lets just enjoy that first, together? O.K?"

Robert didn't mount any more questions but his brown eyes shone with hurt. Cuddy understood why, he thought she didn't think he was serious. That he didn't want her and Rachel to be a family but Lisa knew that's exactly what he wanted. Robert Grayson-Wilkes was a perfect candidate for husband material. A brilliant career, warm hearted and funny with money too spare from being a partner in his firm. Lisa knew that and yet she still held back trying to stop herself from putting all her eggs in his basket.

"I will think about it though, Rob."

She smiled encouragingly leaning over to place her hand on his. They shared a brief kiss before Cuddy politely left to return to the four-year old Rachel. It was something that happened often that she knew annoyed Robert, he wanted to be close and physical with her but most of the time it was the last thing she wanted. How could one get close to another when they still longed for the release of another? Robert was an attractive man, tall, dark haired and very intelligent man. He had worked as an expert medical attorney in the hospital coinciding with work from his firm; it had been how they met.

Next weeks trip to New York would be a tell tale adventure, Rachel would be staying with her mother as she didn't want the anxiety over her liking Robert, so they would be alone. Alone in the most amazing city in the world, it had to help her relationship with him or so Cuddy hoped. It might give them memories she had never had with House, trips away and normality that would never have been achieved with him. Moving on was hard when you hadn't had a chance to say goodbye, or even see his face once more to appreciate its subtle handsomeness and rugged looks. To be able to tell the blue eyes that haunted her dreams that she had loved him, maybe not as truly as he had loved her, but Lisa Cuddy had loved him more than anyone in her life and that it was an honor to be loved by him.

She approached her home, pulling her Lexus into the driveway, and sat there in silence in the car. It was funny when Lisa thought about the things she missed about House, strange even after all the time that had passed to think he still wouldn't be there when she returned from work lazy on her sofa flicking idly through channels.

It was the ease at which he lived that made it easier to love him than any other man. House seemed to know who he was and, whether or not he was at peace with himself; he lived how he wanted to and let nobody tell him any different. Though sometimes Cuddy would think, as she did that evening in her car, that even if she wanted to find him she wouldn't know where to start. House was a private man, she didn't know about his parents, where he was born or where he would go. She had never thought to ask. Cuddy had always assumed they were boring answers but the more she thought about it the less she was sure. The puzzle was missing many pieces and it was the little snippets that bugged her lost mind. He didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays, wasn't keen on children or their parents, he was unsure of himself around Rachel and more than anything would not talk about his own childhood. It was a mystery.

Cuddy eventually moved out of the car toward the house. The door opened and a four-year-old Rachel zoomed toward her nimbly, "Mommy!"

Lisa smiled and lifted the growing girl into her arms and nodding to the nanny, "How has your day been, baby?"

"Amazing! We played and painted and watched Disney films and…"

Cuddy laughed in awe of the little girl in her arms. Rachel was so full of life but also had a spark of pure and untainted curiosity. It was an intelligence that she could only liken to that of a certain blue-eyed diagnostician. Rachel wanted, however very much like herself, to be the best at everything she attempted to and 90% of the time she was.

"Ok, Rach we have to let Marina go home now."

The little girl sprang from her arms and ran to the nanny. Marina twirled her around in her little ballerina outfit and then bid her goodbyes leaving them alone. Alone in the house like every evening they sat down together at the table, Cuddy pestering her daughter to adopt the right table manners and then slipping her off to bed after dinner.

She returned to the living room with the bottle or two of wine from the fridge that had become her best friend. Cuddy would place some mellow music on the shuffle of her iPod speaker and wonder what he was doing. Wonder how different life would have been if she hadn't let him go, Lisa never regretting breaking up with him in theory, he had relapsed and betrayed her on a very personal level by not coming to her sober. Yet on another level she was lonely without him. Left like the other side of a coin, not complete without him now she was aware how it felt.

Would Cuddy have taken House back if he had still been there? After her pride had fallen victim to her love of him, most definitely. It was would have never been forever. They hardly worked together but she seemed not be able to work without him either. Every second thought was about House that damned man who seemed to infiltrate her very soul and make it yearn for him. The kind of relief that came with him, the impossibly soft hands that used to hold her giving her strength and relieving her of her duty of being the stalwart mother and boss.

Cuddy wondered if he had met someone else, if he had a life somewhere that was so very different from the life she had demanded from him. A woman with no children, a beautiful carefree person that would adore everything about him and give him everything he deserved. Part of Lisa wished that so badly for him but the other have would have denied it for him. The stars shone brightly that night, they often beamed the brightest when she missed him a romantic sentiment that House would have laughed at. She so desperately wanted to find him again but dared not look. Everyone that ever loved Gregory House ended up in pain.

* * *

It was a beautiful night but he couldn't sleep. It was a rare occasion when House could get a peaceful night of rest. So he found himself sleeping under the stars most nights on the beach. Staring up at them sometimes thinking deeply or staring down at the prosthetic limb that was his leg now.

He wondered if she ever looked up at the stars on a clear night and thought of him as he did of her. If Cuddy ever wondered where he was like House worried about how she was. House could have sworn the stars burned brighter when he missed her but wouldn't ever tell a soul.

The reason why he left Princeton, the reason why he wouldn't ever return was to let her have a life he couldn't give her. Let Lisa find a man who would give her all that and more. A man who would give a child of her own, a beautiful picture perfect wedding with all the trimmings and a grand house like a proper husband would. That would never be Gregory House.

* * *

_Authors note: I hope you like it, spelling and the mistakes are all mine. The genius creation that is Gregory House is not._

_Review if you want to._

_Love Harper_


	3. Chapter 3

**Higher Love**

* * *

**_Authors Note: Sorry about the stupid mistake muddling up the leg which had the infarction! I am as House would say an idiot but I thought I would give you a third chapter earlier because of that stupid mistake plus I cannot stop writing this. And for JLCH the user who commented that Cuddy isn't able to move on like House, I think this chapter might make you change your mind a little! House might be just as messed up by him leaving as she is._**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Three is crowd**

_Just when I think_

_I'm under control_

_I think I finally got a grip_

_Another friend tells me that_

_My name is always_

_On your lips_

_They say I'm more_

_Than just a friend_

_They say I must be blind_

_Well I admit that_

_I've seen you watch me_

_From the corner of your eye_

_Oh it's so confusing_

The time had come for him to decide. Although stepping through the doors of Sentara Virginia Beach General Hospital had not been the deciding vote as Gregory House hoped it would be. Earlier in the day he had sat on his bedroom floor bouncing the tennis ball, he used as an old keepsake from PPTH, against the wall nostalgically. In that moment House was pondering why he hadn't tried to get a new job or try and get to know new people until it was forced upon him. The truth had not been far to find, as House had been painfully aware of the reason just unwilling to say it. Lisa Cuddy. She was the reason for everything he no longer did, as everything was a tortuous reminder of the life he chose to run from. A job that didn't reside under the realm of the best boss, friend and lover he had ever known would be an insult to her. To just exist in the world was no longer bearable, so House had decided in the moment on the carpet floor that if he would take the job it had to be spectacular. It had to be as different to Princeton as it possibly could for him to even consider it, and Sentara Virginia Beach General Hospital was just that.

Sentara Hospital was a modern spectacle of medicine; it was a vast building in clean sand coloured brick with a large monumental fountain leading from the front. In Houses opinion it looked more like a mansion than a hospital as he drove through on his motorcycle. Going through the doors of the reception he hadn't made the slightest connection to the hospital he had worked in for so much of his life.

There were people everywhere and the sort of people that he hated, rich and obnoxious, and there it was. House stood in the doorway leading to the grand conference hall and all he could think about was her. The times he had let her down, the times he had told her he would turn up beside her at these sort of events and save her from the rich donors and he had not. Though the halls were different and the whole hospital had a more expensive feel to it plus different sounds it would always in Houses mind be missing the clip-clap of her heels. The hospital was amazing, high-tech with an air of class about it but the reason it was so wrong is that it was not Lisa Cuddy's.

"Greg, you made it!"

Lana's voice called from the left, she appeared in a white close fitting evening dress with her hair cut shorter than when he had seen her last. The doctor's skin was flawless and olive highlighting her beautiful hazel eyes.

"Sounded like I didn't have a choice last time we spoke."

She laughed and it sounded like sweet like a little melody but it was at that moment House saw her brown eyes look him up and down subtly. His appearance had been cleaned up slightly since she had seen him at the beach house. Trimmed and shaved supporting a little stubble, he thought it might be important to not show himself up on his first medical outing of the year. However, Lana did not look like she was going to congratulate him on looking nice. It was a shy look, like she was afraid of what he might say, almost the look on a woman who had a crush on an older man. House prayed for the sake of his own sanity that it wasn't true. Starting a relationship with him wouldn't be wise for anyone.

"Look my father is over there, lets go meet with him. Let him size you up."

House silently gulped down the fear of the man and let her take his arm. As they walked together through the crowded ballroom like conference hall, House couldn't figure out what was the weirder feeling. Not having a cane or having a woman on his arm, a woman that wasn't Cuddy. He was still getting used to the prosthesis on his leg, it would always be a strange experience but it was the first time in public when people were noticing who he was and that he didn't have a cane. They would know whom he was after the article in a frequently read medical magazine that titled, "Where is Dr. House now?" after the recent string of miss diagnosed patients at PPTH. House never dared read the full article out of guilt, he had never thought about what his absence would do to the hospital and Cuddy's reputation as a Dean.

"Ah, this must be the famous Dr. Gregory House." An elderly gentleman walked over with a gaggle of people following him like fans eagerly awaiting his every word. The tall man standing before him in an immaculate tuxedo was in his mid-sixties, dark graying hair and deep hazel eyes just like his daughter, "It is a pleasure to meet you Dr. House." He said reaching out to House with a firm hand grasping his and shaking it strongly, "My daughter Lana talks very highly of you."

House smiled, feeling the pressure to conform to the normal social protocol only on this situation, "All lies."

They laughed, or rather Dr. Curtis Jr. laughed and everyone followed suit nervously, and he patted House jovially on the shoulder, "Funny guy, I like that." He motioned for House to follow him as he walked away, "I don't know whether you know me or my reputation, Dr. House, but I am Dr. Edgar John Curtis Jr. This is my hospital and has been for twenty years."

Edgar stopped at his table, the head table of the room, and instructed House to sit next to him and Lana on the other side in between them, "Please sit, Dr. House."

As Lana was about to sit she saw a friend and excused herself momentarily but House noted her father was relived by her absence. They sat down in an awkward silence; this man made House strangely nervous. He had a great and stoic presence; Edgar had an air of world about him just like his own father had. John Gregory House had been a great man in the military, tall and strong with an imposing stature about him which Lana's father had almost the spitting image of.

"I hope you don't think I'm imposing on you asking you here tonight, Dr. House."

The mans relaxed nature irritated House but for Lana's sake he played nice, "Not at all sir, why would you think that and please call me Greg."

It was a faked courtesy but it went down as planned as Dr. Curtis Jr. offered him a warm smirk, "Sir? Sir was my fathers name, call me Ed and I mean by assuming you would meet me here. I learned my daughter was treating you and I had to take my opportunity before you slipped out of my park, see."

House had a smirk of his own; he wasn't hiding the fact that he used his daughter to get to House. This wasn't about Lana at all, she was naive sometimes unaware that everyone even her own father had motives and devices for everything. Something about Ed made House feel like he had planned this meeting for a long time.

"You are an incredible asset you see, Greg, and I don't even think you know how valuable that is too someone like me."

Ed raised his regal right hand and a waiter appeared in less than a second to take his drink order, "Bourbon on the rocks, and you?"

He waited for House to answer, "Oh, err the same thanks."

The older man smiled, "Good choice." The waiter scurried away as quickly as he had appeared, "The reason why you left Princeton doesn't bother me, Dr. House. Or anything that happened other than the incredible medicine and donations you received there." The drinks appeared and Edgar handed one to House taking a sip but the diagnostician downed his in one, "What bothers me is my legacy. I am not a young man anymore; I wont be here forever but you? You still have a lot more to give. You and I could achieve a lot together, Greg."

House ordered another bourbon on the rocks while he stared at Edgar Curtis blankly, "What is it that you want from me? Because people don't just give me jobs with my reputation it always comes at a cost."

"Like Lisa Cuddy's cost? Your relationship crashing and burning or maybe your stay at the crazy house," House stared at him wide eyed as he simply stated what he was running from, "Yes I know all about you, Dr. Gregory House. You would be surprised how much. But I also know from my hunting about you that you are the best, you are a doctor like no other."

Houses drink arrived and he sipped it momentarily, "I am sensing there is definitely a bigger ulterior motive other than a job offer here?"

"I'm not well." Edgar stated with an air of guilt staring past House and to his bright-eyed daughter, "No one seems to be able to pinpoint what is wrong with me and its only getting worse. Now I know you are the best, so if you took my case and diagnosed me the private practice is yours. I've even set up a meeting in New York next week for you to meet with my lawyer to get it up and started." Dr. Curtis smiled, and for the first time that evening he was nervous House could see his strength waver in his deep and aging hazel eyes, "All you need to do is tell me what is wrong with me. It is that simple. I get my answer and you get a career back. We both get something we want."

House thought it over for a minute, "What if I like my life, without the clinic or working for you? What if I don't plan to go by what you want? No offence, Dr. Curtis, but this is all hinging on me wanting to work in medicine and maybe I don't."

Edgar tilted his head making House look in the way of his daughter, "Maybe not but my daughter adores you maybe she wouldn't if she found out all about your past. What if Lisa Cuddy was to find out about those little snippets of history you neglected to share with the world, Dr. House? Would people still look at you the same if they knew? About you, your parents, your past is a very interesting read, Dr. House." The older man rose, "Men with a lot of secrets should learn how to hide them better. Now you're expected in New York next week Dr. House to start the plans for the practice. I hope you come to the right decision."

* * *

House had run outside into the grounds of the hospital and found a wooden bench to catch his breath on. He knew coming to this get together had been a mistake; he should have gone when he had the chance. Now Lana's father had moved his little plan into action and House was the main pawn. How dare he! House thought to himself, using his past to get him to come back into medicine to treat him then using him to create this legacy he wanted. The diagnostician knew that Edgar Curtis Jr. wanted to make sure House wouldn't go running back to Cuddy.

Lisa Cuddy. House cradled his head in his hands, she would have never done anything like this too him. She never asked him about his past and in that moment House was so very thankful of her. Cuddy had given him a job when none would, helped him and continued to help him when he only gave her pain in return. She was an honest woman, getting by on her ambition and sense of duty. Edgar was not that sort of man, he was hard and brutal; he had got to the top by elbowing and diving in front of people not by hard work. Now he was sick and he had used his daughter to get to him, House wouldn't have been surprised if he had intentionally got him transferred to her hospital in the first place. He wouldn't have been shocked if Edgar Curtis Jr. had instigated their entire meeting.

At that moment, with the threats Lana's father had put against him, House couldn't have missed Cuddy more. She would have sat next to him, her warm body pressing against the cool of his own and placed a soft delicate hand atop his own. Cuddy would have somehow soothed him into thinking everything would have been all right. With their hands together, linked tightly in a knot of fingers, House would have believed her. Yet when he opened his electric blue eyes there was no one sat next to him, no one comforting him only the brisk wind howling at his back.

Cuddy would have known what to do. She wasn't as smart medically as he but Cuddy knew the way the world of medicine worked better than he did. House was as naïve as Lana was in that respect. House would have done anything in that moment to go back to Princeton, to do things again and not take that vicodin. To be holding Cuddy in his arms now looking up at the stars whispering something crude in her ear so she would laugh the way she used to do.

"Why do I always find you in the cold somewhere?"

Lana walked out and found him sat staring blankly into the stars with a sad sort of look about him, "What's wrong? Did my father upset you, he is insensitive sometimes?"

Insensitive, House laughed inwardly to himself, thinking then that people had called himself and his own father much, much worse. It occurred to him in that moment how much Lana looked like Cuddy. If it weren't for the eyes he wouldn't have been able to tell them apart. Was it insensitive to kiss her now? Was it cruel or worse to use another who looked like her to get some comfort and release?

"No, I was just thinking." House ran his hand through his short hair, "It's just been a while since I have had to do this sort of thing."

Her body was just a bit bigger than Cuddy's, but everything else was just the same. House shook his head a little tearing himself away from his fantasy. He couldn't do it to the woman sat beside him. Just because he knew that Lana liked him didn't mean he could use her like that, just because her father was trying to use him didn't give him any excuse to take it out on anyone but himself. She was shivering now noticeably due to the winter chill in the night air, House took of his tuxedo jacket and cast it over her shoulders.

"Here, you look freezing why don't you go back inside? I am going to stay out here for a while."

"No," House heard her protest. Lana took his hand and dragged his body inside, "You owe me a dance Mr. I am not a cripple anymore."

She laughed, House could tell she had been drinking but he had Cuddy in the back of his mind. Lana was like a younger Cuddy, no fear or inhibitions. Before she had been hurt by him that was the way Lana was able to be. The young woman brought him to the middle of the crowded dance floor and places him in the correct hold for the slow dance. Houses fingers just grazed the edge of her backless dress touching her warm skin. It seemed hard for him to concentrate for that moment letting her take the lead while he regained his control. Although his heart was with Cuddy, his head was with another part of his body that had been lonely for far longer than he had become used to. With no Cuddy or any other methods of sexual release, Houses mind was no longer on trying not to hurt Lana in this process of ulterior motives. As Lana placed her head on his shoulder and moved her arms smoothly around his neck Houses hands gripped her waist. Her body felt good in his hands, just like Cuddy's did, her slim figure was athletic and supple. Haunted by images of Cuddy weren't helping but also knowing the way Lana felt from everything connecting together. The countless times people at the hospital, where Lana treated him, used to recount the times she talked endlessly about him or the times when House used to see her staring at him when she thought he wasn't looking.

House had been avoiding any kind of contact with her when he left the hospital, knowing that she was a beautiful woman who was attracted to him, he sometimes opted to talk to her outside of his house or on the phone rather than let her in. As it felt like a betrayal, somewhere in Houses mind he never really split up with Cuddy and he was hoping and praying she would find him but in that moment House was struggling with his heart.

"I know I shouldn't tell you this, Greg."

Lana whispered softly in his ear, he felt the breathlessness in her voice knowing that being close to him was affecting her, "But I cant stop thinking about you."

Any man with a conscience would have stopped, right then in that second was chances to say I cant do this but House had passed the point where he could deny his vague attraction to her. Where Lana started and Lisa stopped he didn't know.

"I really should go, Lana…"

She moved her head back to look at him while still keeping her body tight to his chest, "Why Greg, is that so bad? Is it terrible that I like you? That I would like to be more than your doctor or whatever I am."

House shook his head and as he did he caught Edgars brown eyes. They were indignant and speaking volumes but his body was thinking something else. The alcohol in his system was telling him to run and his body was saying bring her with him. House was so confused, was it a terrible thing to do sleep with a woman while being in love with another? Could a relationship work if there were three people in it?

"Ok, lets get out of here I cant think straight in here."

Lana nodded with a small smile on her face and walked out behind him toward his motorcycle. He walked fast and didn't look back until he was right next to his bike. He cursed himself for staying, for becoming involved with people and medicine again. House didn't need money, he had saved enough and been left enough by his parents to live on for a long time. Why didn't he just stay away from people? Stacy, Lydia and Cuddy, he should have learned that he wasn't a relationship sort of a man but he just kept going. Now, the same look adored Lana's face.

"What is wrong with you tonight, you look like you've seen a ghost?"

House jumped onto his bike setting his right leg in its place then moving his right, "Look I'm going to the beach house you can come with me or follow me I don't care I'm leaving now. So what's it going to be?"

Lana hiked up her dress and took off her shoes placing them under the seat and grabbing the extra helmet placed under there. She jumped on behind him without a word and tightly held on as House powered up the bike.

* * *

It was only a fifteen-minute drive but at the speed he was going it would only take a few minutes. He was over the limit they both were but he didn't care. House thought he had escaped her memory, after the months of drinking them away or being unable to sleep to avoid seeing her face, they had resurfaced more prominently than ever. He couldn't tell if he was looking Cuddy or Lana, it was all blurring into one. The mind that was his weapon against the idiots of the world was betraying him. Lana held onto him tightly, her hands were creeping higher onto his chest holding on but feeling and exploring his body at the same time. House wouldn't ever deny that it didn't feel good but he couldn't tell whether it was nostalgia remembering Cuddy's hands doing the same thing so vividly that was causing his arousal or the feeling of a woman being close to him again.

They arrived and the engine ceased but neither moved for a moment. Lana was clearly enjoying being close to him and holding his chest close to hers. House took a deep breath and closing his eyes. He wondered if Cuddy found another man, did she still think of him when they fucked? Did she pretend it was him? The alcohol was making him think of the worst possible scenarios, Cuddy and random men screwing; it made him mad with rage that she could still control him from so far away.

House removed himself from the bike and helped Lana off taking her shoes from her then leading her to his front door. There was no way she was sleeping in the spare room and House knew it. The Curtis family had both had their plans tonight and they had been determined to see it through. House opened the door and let her in before closing then locking the door behind her. She looked out of place; the usually confident woman was unsure of herself and slightly uninhibited by the alcohol she had drunk. House moved in front of her toward his whiskey cabinet and pulled out a bottle.

"Would you like a drink?"

Lana shook her head and watched him pull a glass out for himself, "Suit yourself."

She walked over to him and pulled at his tie, "Tell me who she is."

It wasn't a demand and it wasn't jealousy. Lana was curious and it was a curiosity that House knew only too well. House however pretended, as he downed a second glass of whiskey burning his throat, that he had no idea what she was talking about, " Lana, I don't know what you are…"

She pulled his loose bow tie away from him, throwing it off into the empty room fiercely but without real violence it was more passion, "The woman that you seem to not be able to breath without. The woman that you were thinking about when we were dancing…" Lana pulled the buttons off his shirt and touched the bare skin of his chest, "I want to know what it feels like to be her. Just for one night…"

"Lana, don't…"

Houses protests fell on deaf ears as she backed away and removed her coat, "I am not a spoiled woman, Greg. But on the rare occasion I want something I always make sure I get what I want…" Her tone wasn't obnoxious or self-centered as the phrase sounded; it was almost a plea of desperation. Lana wanted him to know what it was like to want someone who was obviously somewhere else.

"You don't want me, Lara."

Even House wasn't persuaded by that voice and Lara laughed sweetly, "I wanted you from the first time I saw you. Those eyes," She moved closer to him, "That mind that lives behind them, bursting to be released again. I could help you, I am not the woman that holds your heart in a head lock but we could be something just as great…"

Lara moved up so their faces were almost touching at the nose, the alcohol heavy on their breaths but it seemed to the other that the breath was like an itch on their faces. It was an itch that wanted so badly to be scratched, House found it difficult to breath for a moment as Lana closed the gap and kissed his lips.

They were tentative, burdened almost in heavy movement with slow labored kisses. Houses lips moved independently of his heart his mind flooded with thoughts of Cuddy but also the thought of sexual release. With breath fading Lana moved away from his body as if it she was pulling away from a magnet and smiled softly, "If you want to try us I will be upstairs waiting for you. If you don't we will pretend it never happened. The choice is yours."

Then she left him standing there, leaning open shirted against the liquor cabinet aroused and confused with a choice. He could walk up the stairs and have sex with a beautiful woman who seemed to be in love with him. Or he could sleep down stairs and probably loose the only friend in the world he had.

Houses heart was the confused party. Sleeping with Lana when he was still thinking about Cuddy seemed to be a betrayal to both women. Lana was a beautiful woman who deserved the best any man could give her but his best was in Princeton with Cuddy. However to say that was the only thing House was feeling was wrong. Houses body had given its vote, him seeing the reaction to having body on his and hands tracing his chest with her bare skin. It certainly wouldn't be hard to sleep with her, as parts of him were already half way there. House thought of Cuddy, wondering if she ever had this dilemma. She was a beautiful woman who would never be without men wanting to be with her. Could he really pass up the chance to be with a beautiful, caring and intelligent woman that loved him despite knowing about his leg? Would he be able to stop thinking about Cuddy? House moved forward, with both the stairs and the sofa in sight which one was he going to choose?

* * *

**_Authors note: Thanks for reading all the mistakes stupid and idiotic are mine and House md is not. Probably will be the next chapter tomorrow im on a little writing spree at the moment. Plus that is a pretty big cliffhanger; will House be able to sleep with Lana? There will be a bit more Cuddy in the next one but this story is going to be mainly House centric until they are in the same spot. _**

**_Harper_**

**_p.s. I thought it might help your reading experience if I told you who I wrote the characters Lana, Edgar (her father) and Robert (Cuddy's boyfriend) to be played by in my head._**

**_Dr. Lana Curtis: Lana Parrilla (Queen/Regina in Once Upon A Time)_**

**_Dr. Edgar Curtis Jr.: Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones)_**

**_Robert Cuddy's Boyfriend: Edward Norton (The Hulk)_**


End file.
